Fuck you, Lucy Mangan, you self-indulgent moron

GNU BRITAIN

Bad journalism: a step-by-step guide

1. Find a spurious scientific study, based on a small sample, which takes a substance believed to be good for you and 'proves' it's bad for you, such as decaffeinated coffee.


2. Caricature people who prefer to consume said substance as "po-faced gimps", irrespective of the fact that they may not conform to this caricature, and may have perfectly good reasons for consuming the substance.


3. Write an article about it all and publish it in the Guardian.


4. Sit back, smug in the knowledge that you have achieved precisely nothing of value.

I'm not sure exactly what Lucy Mangan has against people who drink decaffeinated coffee. Perhaps some dreadful health fascist cornered her for four hours at a party and gave her a good lecture about the toxins she was putting into her body, and this is her method of payback. Or, far more likely, she has a problem with being reminded of her own inadequacy by the fact that she is consuming an awful lot of unhealthy things which she enjoys, while a number of other people ("self-indulgent morons", apparently) are taking care of what they eat and drink, on the grounds that they might live longer and feel healthier. How else to explain the irrational delight with which she's seized upon this study? How else to explain her irritation with people who actually don't like the shaking hands, increased heartbeat, anxiety, sleeplessness and cold sweat that accompany intake of caffeinated drinks (at least, in my case)?

There's one thing you can say for Lucy - she does a good line in bile:

The researchers (that's scientists funded by an agglomeration of proper public health bodies, all you decaf doilies who are trying to raise your papery hands in protest) described the findings, which were based on people drinking three to six cups a day, as "very surprising." But for those of us who are sick of being harangued by Quorn-filled, carb-less freaks intent on using their rapidly diminishing physical resources to suck the little remaining joy from the lives of anyone acquainted with them, the results were better described as "very delightful."

"Harangued" - that explains it. Trauma. She really was cornered by a health fascist. Poor Lucy! Imagine her world: she must be surrounded by nannying do-gooders, accosting her every time she raises a doughnut to her lips, admonishing her every time she opens a packet of fags, hissing with displeasure when she buys a bottle of Coke. Dear God! Surrounded by "freaks" all the time! No wonder she's upset.

In the real world, Lucy, the world I live in, no one tells you that you 'shouldn't' drink caffeinated drinks. No one makes a virtue out of drinking decaf(f) (I always spell it with two 'f's, but perhaps typing the extra 'f' is too much work for her). People who suffer side effects from caffeine but still love the taste of coffee have no recourse but to go for the 'adulterated' version (don't worry, Lucy, we suffer for our misfortune - Caffe Nero makes us pay 10p extra!). We don't expect everyone else to follow suit; there are more important health issues out there (eg the possible risks of artificial sweeteners, or the link between artificial colours and hyperactivity in children).

Still, Lucy has been traumatised, remember, so we shouldn't be too hasty to judge her for her shambolic attempt to label the increasing number of people who care about what they put into their bodies as "freaks". Let's be grateful that 'fun' products are still available to her - lard, cocaine, cigarettes, refined sugar, chips, boiled sweets. Perhaps we can take her out for a meal and mix the above up in a bucket like Mr Creosote. Washed down with a triple fully caffeinated chocolate latte (full-fat milk, of course).